It’s like a boa constrictor wrapping around my throat, becoming tighter and tighter with every word and every breath of air until I can’t even scream. Only when it has finally gotten to the point where my throat only has one small opening left for the tiniest amount of air to pass through, does it stop its constricting. Only then will it loosen its grip on me. You see…it holds onto my neck just tight enough to make me borderline psychotic, but loose enough where it won’t kill me. This is my everyday. This is the life of having multiple anxiety disorders.
You don’t think anxiety exists? Congradufuckinglations! You can now officially be classified as a neurotypical and ignorant being on this planet. I am so glad that when you awake in the morning, the only thing you have to focus on is, well, getting ready. In fact, I am so glad that you have sleep to even wake up from, that you didn’t stay up all night worrying about every possible thing, freaking out so much to the point that you don’t even know your name anymore. I am so glad that when you get dressed in the morning, you aren’t analyzing every part of the day, every part of your clothes, running through your schedule in your mind and with that, I’m glad that you don’t sit on your floor crying because just thinking about everything you have to do that day overwhelms you and completely paralyzes your body in this dying heap of human on the floor surrounded by nothing but thoughts and tears. I’m so glad that you can drive to work and show up without thinking about “Am I too early?” “I should probably drive around so I only show up this early and not that early” “Do my coworkers even like me” *Let’s think about everything I have ever done at work and analyze how each person feels about me* I’m glad that you view those thoughts as so minimal that even if you did think them, you wouldn’t care much. I’m glad that you don’t have to have a panic attack and pull over to the side of the road because you are no longer in a suitable condition to drive. I’m glad that your limbs don’t shake to your very core, and that your eyes don’t cry so hard that you can’t see. I’m glad that you never have experienced a panic attack so bad that you have lost consciousness. I’m glad that you would be able to go to class without breaking down and having yet another panic attack on the bathroom floor, then pulling yourself together and walking into a room full of people with a swollen face. I’m glad that you haven’t had such a bad panic attack that you ended up with bruises all over your body. I’m so glad that you can return home not completely exhausted because your brain did not stop all day. I’m glad you would be able to sit down, study, do homework, eat food, and maybe be around other people. I’m glad that the moment you get home, you don’t want to hide in your bed forever. I’m glad you don’t have to take 5-hour naps in order to feel okay. I’m glad that your body doesn’t physically ache. I’m glad you think that not believing in any of this, make you a stronger person. A more independent and competent person. I’m glad that you feel it is okay to tell someone that they are weak because they have mental illnesses that you don’t think exist. I’m glad the chemicals in your brain didn’t get so fucked up throughout your life that you can barely keep it together. I’m glad you don’t feel so out of control that you have to resort to unhealthy measures of control to try to find that control again.
Congradufuckinglations once again. May you live your life forever in ignorance. I’m happy that all you can do is insult and dumb down someones mental illness that they have been dealing with since they were three. Go on and live your life, throwing people away as you go. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you the weakest human being I know.