Anxiety: It’s a real thing.

It’s like a boa constrictor wrapping around my throat, becoming tighter and tighter with every word and every breath of air until I can’t even scream. Only when it has finally gotten to the point where my throat only has one small opening left for the tiniest amount of air to pass through, does it stop its constricting. Only then will it loosen its grip on me. You see…it holds onto my neck just tight enough to make me borderline psychotic, but loose enough where it won’t kill me. This is my everyday. This is the life of having multiple anxiety disorders.

You don’t think anxiety exists? Congradufuckinglations! You can now officially be classified as a neurotypical and ignorant being on this planet. I am so glad that when you awake in the morning, the only thing you have to focus on is, well, getting ready. In fact, I am so glad that you have sleep to even wake up from, that you didn’t stay up all night worrying about every possible thing, freaking out so much to the point that you don’t even know your name anymore. I am so glad that when you get dressed in the morning, you aren’t analyzing every part of the day, every part of your clothes, running through your schedule in your mind and with that, I’m glad that you don’t sit on your floor crying because just thinking about everything you have to do that day overwhelms you and completely paralyzes your body in this dying heap of human on the floor surrounded by nothing but thoughts and tears. I’m so glad that you can drive to work and show up without thinking about “Am I too early?” “I should probably drive around so I only show up this early and not that early” “Do my coworkers even like me” *Let’s think about everything I have ever done at work and analyze how each person feels about me* I’m glad that you view those thoughts as so minimal that even if you did think them, you wouldn’t care much. I’m glad that you don’t have to have a panic attack and pull over to the side of the road because you are no longer in a suitable condition to drive. I’m glad that your limbs don’t shake to your very core, and that your eyes don’t cry so hard that you can’t see. I’m glad that you never have experienced a panic attack so bad that you have lost consciousness. I’m glad that you would be able to go to class without breaking down and having yet another panic attack on the bathroom floor, then pulling yourself together and walking into a room full of people with a swollen face. I’m glad that you haven’t had such a bad panic attack that you ended up with bruises all over your body. I’m so glad that you can return home not completely exhausted because your brain did not stop all day. I’m glad you would be able to sit down, study, do homework, eat food, and maybe be around other people. I’m glad that the moment you get home, you don’t want to hide in your bed forever. I’m glad you don’t have to take 5-hour naps in order to feel okay. I’m glad that your body doesn’t physically ache. I’m glad you think that not believing in any of this, make you a stronger person. A more independent and competent person. I’m glad that you feel it is okay to tell someone that they are weak because they have mental illnesses that you don’t think exist. I’m glad the chemicals in your brain didn’t get so fucked up throughout your life that you can barely keep it together. I’m glad you don’t feel so out of control that you have to resort to unhealthy measures of control to try to find that control again.

Congradufuckinglations once again. May you live your life forever in ignorance. I’m happy that all you can do is insult and dumb down someones mental illness that they have been dealing with since they were three. Go on and live your life, throwing people away as you go. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you the weakest human being I know.

 

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ESA Animal Update

https://www.gofundme.com/samanthas-esa-dog

Hey everyone! Can I steal 2 mins of your time at all?

I have shared my go fund me page above, but I am not expecting anything from anyone unless you want to support me.

If you have been following my blog closely, many of you already know what I deal with on a daily basis. I am hoping that you will also take the time to read my page as well. Thank you my lovely followers, without your support, I don’t know where I would be.

Catch Me, I’m Falling…

“I feel like I have completely lost myself and who I am. I no longer know where I am going or which direction I should take. Is there any point in living if I am just living each day to die again? Do I eat or do I starve? Do I move today or enter the void of darkness my mind so easily wanders off into? Cause my dear, every day is another anxious roller coaster no one can even begin to understand. Another battle into the world of depression where I have to crawl my way up from the hole I have created in my bed, through the floorboards. Do I fight with you or let you live without my burden on your shoulders? Do I search for direction or should I stop trying to track my life? Yet here I am. Fighting another day because giving up is too mainstream. You would think that this could eventually lead to the path of self-love, yet every day I learn more about all the ways I can hate myself. Oh, my love is there any way to crawl back up? Can I reach out to grab your hand harder than anyone has ever before? Can I use you as my savior? Oh, I just want to wake up in the morning without remembering everything I hate. Catch me. Catch me, I’m falling.”

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Put Yourself First, That’s Bullshit.

What is this world becoming? Sometimes late at night I sit here and just worry about everything and everyone. I feel like there is someone inside me yelling and screaming everyday. The kind of pang you feel that makes you fall to your knees in hopelessness and wonder. The feeling where your stomach feels as if it is going to turn inside out just at the mere thought of reality. Where you just want to have all the answers and say all the right things to help everyone else find happiness?

What is wrong with this world? What is wrong with people? I can not even begin to wrap my head around the absolute disgusting way human beings will treat each other. It’s like there are some people out there who want to ruin the world.

As a human being, I do not understand the concept of building your success and happiness bouncing off the backs of other people. This world is cut throat, I get it. You have to do the things you believe that you have to do and that’s fine. But if you believe that those things come from breaking other people’s soul’s….then grow the fuck up. I am not kidding. We are no longer in middle school. This is no longer recess time. You don’t have someone telling you every day right and wrong. You don’t have someone watching out for your every single move anymore. There are no direct punishments for your wrong behavior, you have to figure that shit out on your own.

News flash: This world. It is not yours. The world is not your fucking oyster. You don’t have the whole world in your hands. You don’t have control over everything that is going to happen. YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. God. I can’t say how much I absolutely despise that saying. “The world is your oyster, make what you want out of it.” That is the most selfish saying I have ever heard. Don’t get me wrong though here, currently in my life I am on the road to changing paths and becoming a better person, but I am NOT changing my world. Do people not realize that their actions, their faults, their beauty, and their shame is all stringed together? It is a little overwhelming to sit and think about it, I know. I guess I just see the world in a different light. Multiple lights actually….

This world is entirely made up of different strings. These invisible, colorful, and magnificent strings. I think to call them my stoplight strings (kind of nerdy I know. Stay with me here) There are three colors, obviously. Red, yellow, and green. All based on moods. You see, every decision, choice, and reaction you make in this world can affect the color of someone else strings. There is also different thickness to these strings. This represents the presence someone has on your heart. There are those people that you will hold onto dearly. These are probably the people you will make your choices around. If someone is tied close to you, their string being thicker than others, you are more aware. I want to do everything I can for those people so that their life strings stay green. They stay happy and fulfilled. You see, I don’t always need to worry about my own string. Life isn’t this giant game. Sure these strings will get so tangled at times that you won’t even know your own name. But, you still don’t get the privilege to ALWAYS do what makes you happy. You don’t get to go through every single day thinking about only yourself. As a human being, YOU do not have that right. I am not saying that every single day should be devoted to other people, that every second should be spent worrying about their strings. What I am saying is that you need to be an adult and see that the world is so much greater than your feelings, your situation, or your life in general.

If you make a commitment to someone, whether it is dating, friendships, or work relationships, you are writing your name on that person’s string. Everyone has different people in different spots on their string. For me? I hold my friendships with few select people at the highest value possible. I love so unconditionally and break my back to make sure they are happy. But for others? Maybe family is number one on their list, or their significant other. And for another category of people? They will hold themselves at the highest value. This is where my heart feel disgusted. I know there is a huge range of differing opinions on everything that I am saying right now, but I hate when people put themselves first. It baffles my mind. How can you put yourself first when you look around you, look at all these strings…all the people who love you…? For me to be happy is to make other people happy. If my friend needs me, I am there no matter what. I will bend over until my head hits fucking China if that’s what it take to make them okay. I am not saying you have to go through life and put yourself on the back burner. You don’t always have to put everyone else first. You should be able to be mature enough to know when to decide is you time and when is other people time. But the you time? Should not even come close to the others time.

It’s just my opinion. I love too openly. Too deeply. I have so many walls put up to my own heart and feelings, but I will show the whole world if allowed. I am fiercely loyal, defensive, and loving. I am also the first one to get hurt in any situation. I understand that this way of thinking makes me vulnerable. This way of thinking makes my heart grow weak. This way of thinking breaks my heart every day. I am not saying you live your life like mine. I just want you to take your damn ass off the fucking pedestal where you think you control the world, and start worrying about how your actions affect other people. You don’t rule me. You don’t rule the world. You are not the greatest person that has ever walked the planet. Everything is not about you and your happiness. Stop being so damn selfish and start being someone that this world will miss when you’re gone. Be someone that people will feel a pang in their heart with you gone. Be that person that someone will miss, not because they just like you around, but because you gave them happiness. Don’t you want to be the reason for someone else’s happiness? Does that thought fulfill you, make you happy? If it doesn’t, then you really should sit down and sober the fuck up. The world is not your fucking oyster and it NEVER will be. The world is everyone’s, all tied together. Grow up.

I’m expecting a world’s full of backlash from this post, so hit me with it. But my opinion remains the same. Sometimes other people’s lives and well-being is way more important than you.

 

Broken. Rebuilding. Failing. Rebuilding Again….*put that shit on repeat*

Started post in May….please read until the end, much later finished post.

 

(May 10th): “Broken. That is such a heavily weighted word. It is broken. The base definition of broken; something somewhere isn’t functioning that way it always has. The production of the product isn’t where the manufacturer envisioned. That is broken. Another definition of this word; being ruptured, torn, or fractured. This can also be applied to physical objects, but for today’s purpose…let’s relate it to the human soul, mind, and heart. He is broken. She is broken. I…I am broken.

Life is always a test. There is always something that will be thrown at you that you must process, deal with, and move on. If you’re a normal and mentally healthy person that is. Here is the thing though that most of you who follow me know, I am not normal nor is normalcy ever an attainable concept for me. That’s not me being all “oh woe is me,” it is the reality of my situation.

On a Saturday evening in May, my best friend decided that she didn’t want to be close anymore. To most people…they would get angry, maybe cry, and then move on. You can tell where this is going when I say, that is not even close to how I reacted. You see, I love my best friend (I guess former best friend) with ALL my heart. My reaction was literally crying nonstop for hours and hours, basically 24/7. Not really an exaggeration either. We had such an intense friendship that I could not even imagine my life without her. The very thought of losing her made me go off the deep end.”

(June 4th): Well, I started writing this post a month ago thinking that my entire life was over. I thought that I would go on and on ranting about how my heart was bleeding out without her in my life. I was nervous to post anything about what happened for fear that she would read it. But I have nothing bad to say about her so I have nothing to fear. All I have to say is how I loved her with all my heart. But while that is true, I am not going to sit here and continue to bleed my heart out on this screen.  I am also not going to sit here and say anything bad about her, there is nothing bad to say anymore. Instead, I am going to sit here and write to you all about how I am finding myself without her in my life. This isn’t a post saying I am better off without her, or her leaving was a good thing for me. This isn’t a cliche “Dear Former Best Friend, Thank You For Leaving” puckermob post shit. I would never thank this situation. This is simply a post about how I am choosing to move on and live my life. The thing is, she isn’t coming back the way I want for awhile and I know that. Would I love for it to happen? Absolutely. Would I instantly take her back into my life again? Most likely. Do I still love her with all my heart? Of course. My love and care for her and her well-being will never fade. Was our friendship unhealthy though? Maybe I can admit to that one. But was I happy? Most of the time. Were her and I happy? Were our daily lives with each other happy? Most importantly of all, was she happy? That one I know I can answer. I know she would say no. I know I would say yes. But that isn’t a healthy relationship. Do I wish things were different? Hell fucking yeah. Do I wish she would come back and we could work things out? I would die for that. Will it happen? I guess only time can tell. Was it right for us to end, to break apart? I am not sure I can ever find in my heart to say yes to that question, but I know she believes it was best. And if one of the people in the relationship are unhappy, then what do you even do?

You see, I am still broken. I am still a mess every day (not because of this situation, but my life in general). I still cry about what happened, heck I cry about a lot of things. When I see her or hear her name, I feel a large pang in my heart for her. I miss seeing her face and talking to her all the time. As a human being, I am lost. I forgot who I am. I forgot where I was going and what I believed. I relapsed into old habits. Relapsed into not eating and self-harm. I went back into the habits that I knew would get me through to the next day.

Now? I am moving on. I am moving on without her. That doesn’t mean that I am getting over her or that I care about her any less. Living my life in this emotional whirlwind is driving the little bit I have left of my sanity into the ground. I have to live without her. I can still love and care about her from a distance. I can care about her through the times we will see each other. I can be happy while I am with her during those limited times. But I have found that I can survive on my own. I did it for 18 years, why did I ever think that I couldn’t? I do not need her in my life to try to find happiness. I do not need her to function anymore nor do I need her to have fun. Do I still need to depend on people every day of my life? Yes. But is it running my life into the ground? Nope! Not anymore. Will I let someone in as close as she was? Maybe, and maybe I have….but will anyone ever replace her and what I felt when I was with her? Absolutely not. You can’t just replace people like that in your life. You always have a place for them in your heart, nothing will ever fill that. No one will ever replace her. But I have found the greatest people after this whole thing happened. I am more than happy that I crossed paths with these wonderful people. Someone who is willing to support me and help me through anything life throws. As well as being more than happy to have grown closer to people I already had in my life. People who won’t run away when it gets tough and that means the world to me. No one can ever replace her in my life, but I can certainly find other people that make me feel fulfilled, happy, and most importantly loved. Actually not find. I have FOUND that. I have found the love, support, and friendship that I need in my life. I couldn’t be happier about it. I stopped harming, I only tried starting again to find some sort of control aspect. But that is not a way to control my life. I can’t let it be. I am eating once again, trying to get back to a healthier weight. I am on my way to finding myself again. To become the person I used to be. Trying to finally be Samantha again. The Samantha I know.

I still miss her every day. I still cry about her leaving and I still have moments where I see something and want to send it to her. Or something happens that I just want to tell her about. Nothing about this post puts her ill in my mind or speaks ill of her. I still look forward to our possible meals and small time together. Those times will still make me happy, despite everything. And I probably will still cry after every one of them.  This is me simply trying my best to move on. Move on to become a person, a somebody without her. Here is to me, my awkward ass self, while my life may not be perfect or enjoyable most the time, I am still left here fighting my way, usually failing, but still fighting every day.

Keep on fighting my loves. I am always here, as usual.

 

Maybe It Is Time to Start Over Again…

I’ve been going on here every day, typing a sentence…starting a post…then deleting it and closing out the browser. There are so many things that need to be said, that I am dying to write…but I lost my voice. I lost that confidence. I lost what I always valued that most right from the start. My edge, my vibe, my personality…it all blended together in this giant blender and what came out was indigestible.

I have to find that again. Here is my step, finally writing the post that I have been dying to post. Saying “I have to find myself again” sounds so cliche and quite unfulfilling to me. Becuase the real question is…did I ever know who I truly was? I have been living with most of the things I have been diagnosed with all my life. When people say “You aren’t your mental illness,” I kind of laugh inside. It is nothing against them, as I know they are only trying to help and bring me comfort, but it is funny to even think that way for me. Maybe it is true for other people dealing with their individual mental illnesses and going about their days. Maybe, just maybe for them, that is completely true. They are not their mental illness. But for me, oh no my loves…I am definitely my mental illnesses. Before you start throwing your opinions at me, let me explain….

Think about it for a minute with me okay? From the age of 5, I had behavioral issues within school and home. Taking my opinions of my home life out of the picture and focusing on just me as a person, I was probably a nightmare. At the time, there wasn’t a really answer as to why I was the way I was. I had point and reward systems set up with the school guidance counselors for when I did and didn’t act out. Many of my early childhood teachers probably wanted to hurl themselves off a cliff and I wouldn’t blame them. I was a nightmare to deal with. Temper tantrums, fits, rages, hyperactivity, and deep sadness all in one miserable child.

Continuing into my high school life, I obviously matured a lot more from middle school, but I was still very childish. Depending on people to get me through the day, sad almost ALL the time…and when I wasn’t sad I was either extremely anxious and hyper or very sassy. I spoke out against a lot of my teachers. I mouthed off to almost every one that upset me in some way. Give me something I don’t want to hear? You are getting a fight back. I was constantly fighting in my brain. This turned into me lashing out to any authority figure that gave me the answer I didn’t want to hear. There was only really one that saw through it all and quite literally saved my life.

So what about currently? Almost the same as high school. In fact, one could even go as far to say that I am worse than high school ever saw me. I have to be an adult and a functioning adult at that too. I have bills to pay, school to pay attention to, and my own well being to manage now. I still throw tantrums. I still cry every day of my life over the dumbest shit. I still find myself completely depending on one person in my life and getting hurts every day because of it. I still lash out at professors or authority figures, in fact,t it would be safe to say that has even gotten worse over the years.

So really, think about it…I AM my mental illnesses. They are who I am and everything I do is because of them. There isn’t one thing I do with my life that isn’t a decision I made or an action I took part in that you could say was made or done without any mental illness influence. EVERYTHING I do is because of one of them. EVERYTHING.

So….maybe it is time to just start over again. Due to certain circumstances, I will be moving back to my hometown for the summer when this semester of college lets out. Part of me is embarrassed to admit this and the part is excited to reconnect with my sisters, my niece, friends, and my “adopted” family. I almost feel as if I am tucking my tail between my legs and running back home just like everyone thought I was going to do anyway. Truthfully, this is so much greater than my pride. There are a lot of things that I believe I need to reconnect with back in Luxemburg. I have my old friends, many of whom were the greatest friends I could ever have in my life. Reconnecting with the few is a fabulous idea. I have two of my sisters that I also haven’t had the time to spend with them, along with my little niece. With my littlest sister just moving out, me being home is good for her also. I miss my work family so much that is hurts sometimes. I love working there and am excited to go back for them. And lastly, to be around the people, besides my sisters, that I call my family. The people that were there for me when I moved out, supported me, and loved me through it all.

This doesn’t take away to immense amount of difficulty that I will have to face. Leaving the one person in this world right now that means the most to my heart is going to be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. My best friend and I have spent two years together and never being apart from each other for more than a week. The hardest part for me is knowing that me moving away makes her happy…this part absolutely kills me. I know I am a lot to deal with and probably the most frustrating person in the world to be with, but hearing that broke my heart art. I can’t understand how after all this time, spending so long apart won’t sadden her. I know this just leads into who I am and what I have, but this is going to be like dragging my feel through a sinkhole every single day I am apart from her. Maybe she will realize she doesn’t need me, maybe she sees this as her opportunity to leave. Maybe I am just overthinking this all and I shouldn’t even be thinking this way, who knows. I guess we will find out in due time. Either way, the cookie crumbles, I am going to hurt. That is how much I love my best friend. The idea of being away from her is almost too much for me to even process.

Anyway, this was a 2 am post and who knows how coherent I am even being right now or if anyone will read this. I am struggling and continue to struggle even more every day I keep trying to fight against everything. I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I can’t see much happiness for the next day. Or the next

When Running Away Isn’t Enough…

Further and further the building behind me go as my feet are pounding against the pavement, running as fast as they can go, and yet….it isn’t nearly far or fast enough. What am I running from? Where am I going? The only thing I can know for sure is the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. I can know that my legs are already tired and growing weaker, my throat gets all scratchy until I feel like I can’t take another breath. My face feels cold and numb. My arms are tense and unmoveable like dinosaur arms, causing them to cramp later down the road. I know that when I strike the ground, in happens mainly on the outside of my right foot, causing my ankle, hip, and knee to have issues. I know that my right knee will soon ache, the same ankle will try to give out, and that hip side is already popping in and out of place. I know that my clothes are now too big for me and I will be pulling my pants up the entire time. I know I will pull my shirt down, again and again, trying to hide my body even further. I know that I will have to fight through the self-doubt of not being able to go any further. I know my side will soon ache because I haven’t eaten a proper meal. Soon my eyes will tear up and I will be crying against my will. I also know that I will feel more in my own skin than I ever do and ever will. I know I will feel again and I will claim my legs, stomach, arms, and face as my own. I will soon feel more alive than I have felt all week or all month. I know I will claim all the pain and aches as my being alive. These are things I can know for sure. These are the reasons why I keep running….or so I keep telling myself…

I am still running from something. I have the false hope in the back of my mind that I can put miles between me and the world. Between me and my past. How many miles will it take? Where am I going? I have always run for purposes that are not clean. I have mainly always ran to prove something. I have run to try to fly away from my past and life in general. I keep trying to run further and further away. As if the miles and building getting smaller and smaller behind me can change things that have happened and the answer will suddenly become clear in the muddy waters. I’ve tried running away from my childhood. I have tried running away from the rape. I’ve tried running away from the sexual assault. I’ve tried running away from the self-harm. I’ve tried running away from the eating disorder, the starving of myself to try to achieve some form perfection that didn’t exist. Most importantly, I have tried running away from myself, who I am, where I have been, and who I could become. I ran to prove to everyone who told me that I couldn’t do it, that I could. I ran to be able to have something others could look at and be proud of me. I ran to make other people happy who wanted me to continue running. I ran to try to beat the shadow I lived in my entire childhood when it came to running. I ran to prove to those people that there wasn’t just one person who could do something great. I ran for everyone else. To make them smile…to gain their approval…to have them be proud of me.

I forgot the most important part of running. I forgot to run for MYSELF. I forgot to have fun. I forgot to be thankful for having the ability to run. I forgot to run to prove things to myself and only myself. I forgot to run to have something I could be proud of. I forgot to run just to run. I forgot about the moral I wanted about running.  What about running when I feel good? What about running just because it is a beautiful day outside and I just want to run? What about running because I love it? What about running for the sole purpose of running?

Running will always be my outlet. It will always be something I turn to when I am angry, upset, or hurt. I am not saying that will ever change, it is after all my free therapy. I am not saying that I will stop running to get away from craziness, anger, bad days, breakdowns, and everything else that happens to the emotional wreck of a person that I am. I am not saying that the days I have 5 panic attacks that I will be out running because I am happy. Or when a reminder of my past pops up that I won’t be trying to run away from it. Or that I won’t be running those runs with the thoughts of making someone else proud of me. That is how I am wired and sometimes you need different motivation for different types of runs. I need those angry runs, those sad runs, and those “holy shit, what the fuck is going on” runs. But it is time that I start actively trying to run for more than just my sanity. Time to try to run more than just to run away from my life and past, even if it is just once a month.

Time to try to start running for myself. Like I said, even if it just once in a great while. Here’s to training again hopefully, and training again for all the right reasons.

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