I thought I would miss my sadness.
I thought I would miss the way it would coil itself into my heart, like a snake trying to find warmth. Digging itself deeper and deeper into my very being with no regard for kindness. The way my fingers had to hold onto my soul as if it could drop into my stomach the moment I would let go. It became such a deep part of me that I thought I would miss life without it.
I didn’t think life was possible without it. The way the sky would darken itself when I walked underneath it. It knew me by name. It would call out to me through the clouds, luring me into its cold embrace until the frigid wind made a home in my bones. It started carving itself a cave, tearing through my blood and bones until it found its permanent home in my heart. It multiplied by the triples, spreading its familiar fingers into every spare space inside of me, until no place was left untouched. Untouched. Untouched with great darkness. A darkness so great it made you think it was the light. The fooling light was inside of me now. I was ignorant thinking I could made it my friend. To think it was the only familiar aspect I was allowed to live with. As if sadness had any goal of making you feel like you weren’t alone in the world. As if it could bring me back from the nothing I was created in.
Sadness never had the intention of being my friend.
I thought I would lose the spark in my mind. I thought happiness had the power to take away everything I knew to be comfortable. I thought it would steal my mind and all my words with it. I became comfortable in my overwhelming sadness. I became comfortable with the way it would breathe through my skin and radiate out of my pores. Happiness was the weight that had the power to break my brittle bones, the same bones already being suffocated by darkness. Surely this was how I was meant to live. Surely this darkness was my friend. I spent so long trying to create a stronger bond between my bones and I, that I forgot to even consider letting happiness in.
Fear took over my body when presented with the actual light. It would shrivel up my heart, leaving my brain on full alert. The watch dog against my happiness. Teeth gnashing at any sign of change, any sign of the light that actually might be able to warm my bones. Brainwashed to believe the best for me was to remain consumed by the dark.
Silence was my best friend.
I let it in. That light gleaming in the corner of my eyes. I tamed the guard dog in my brain and made a small cut leading to my heart. I secretly opened my ribcage and allowed the light in to warm my core. Fear took over me again. What if I lost it? What if this new happiness wanted to leave my body again?
I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.
Quickly, as if my soul depended on it, I stitched up the wound.
As soon as I felt it creeping its wonderful fingers into my heart, a war started. A war between light and dark, each just as powerful as the other. Darkness had the upper hand, it knew my body in and out. Every space and crack memorized. It slinked itself through the darkest areas of my body and eventually strangled this newly found light. It’s spindly fingers wrapped themselves back around my soul. The light was dead inside me, leaving behind a small remembrance, a memory of the time I was allowed to let it in. The time I was strong enough to believe in it.
Then you came. Your hands thrust themselves into my heart again. You found the shining memory, running your fingers over its warm, smooth surface. You became familiar with the deepest parts of me. The darkness was unable to devour your hands, it tried again and again. It tried snapping at you, it tried pushing your hand away so forcefully it would hit you back in the face. Nonetheless, we persisted on against the demon. We put on our battle suits and reached delicately towards the small light. We took that light, planted it, and cared for it until it could gain it’s strength. We tended over this speck day after day, waiting for something wonderful to happen. Night after night, checking for progress and always coming up empty-handed.
Then it grew. We woke up one morning to the kitchen being taken over by this incredible masterpiece. This light that grew 30 times it’s size. A light that could take on anything if given the chance. Its vines wrapping around the window, waiting for the chance to spread even further. Waiting to be allowed the room to grow and become something even more beautiful and translucent.
We gave it the chance. This light, this happiness, was so overwhelming.
I split it in two.
I gave some to you.
Because we nurtured that happiness ourselves. We brought it back to life. Dirty hands leading us to finally winning the war. Patience. Persistence. More patience.
Now our darknesses are banished inside of us. We will not nurture this beast. We will not tend to it.
But he is still there, sometimes he needs to be fed.
After-all, can you really know happiness if you don’t still own your sadness?
If we didn’t have our darkness, then how could we recognize our happiness?
Would we have won the battle if we didn’t know our enemy?