What If?

What if?
What if?
What if?
Waiting. More waiting.
Wanting. More wanting.
When is it going to happen?
When it is going to drop?
Taught to fear love like it’s a poisonous being.
Taught to fear success like it could strangle you.
Taught to fear determination because you will probably fail anyway.
That shoe, is it waiting to drop?
Think fast.

Don’t let it slip away.

This is your chance.

Battle Suits

I thought I would miss my sadness.

I thought I would miss the way it would coil itself into my heart, like a snake trying to find warmth. Digging itself deeper and deeper into my very being with no regard for kindness. The way my fingers had to hold onto my soul as if it could drop into my stomach the moment I would let go. It became such a deep part of me that I thought I would miss life without it.

I didn’t think life was possible without it. The way the sky would darken itself when I walked underneath it. It knew me by name. It would call out to me through the clouds, luring me into its cold embrace until the frigid wind made a home in my bones. It started carving itself a cave, tearing through my blood and bones until it found its permanent home in my heart. It multiplied by the triples, spreading its familiar fingers into every spare space inside of me, until no place was left untouched. Untouched. Untouched with great darkness. A darkness so great it made you think it was the light. The fooling light was inside of me now. I was ignorant thinking I could made it my friend. To think it was the only familiar aspect I was allowed to live with. As if sadness had any goal of making you feel like you weren’t alone in the world. As if it could bring me back from the nothing I was created in.

Sadness never had the intention of being my friend.

I thought I would lose the spark in my mind. I thought happiness had the power to take away everything I knew to be comfortable. I thought it would steal my mind and all my words with it. I became comfortable in my overwhelming sadness. I became comfortable with the way it would breathe through my skin and radiate out of my pores. Happiness was the weight that had the power to break my brittle bones, the same bones already being suffocated by darkness. Surely this was how I was meant to live. Surely this darkness was my friend. I spent so long trying to create a stronger bond between my bones and I, that I forgot to even consider letting happiness in.

Fear took over my body when presented with the actual light. It would shrivel up my heart, leaving my brain on full alert. The watch dog against my happiness. Teeth gnashing at any sign of change, any sign of the light that actually might be able to warm my bones. Brainwashed to believe the best for me was to remain consumed by the dark.

Silence was my best friend.

I let it in. That light gleaming in the corner of my eyes. I tamed the guard dog in my brain and made a small cut leading to my heart. I secretly opened my ribcage and allowed the light in to warm my core. Fear took over me again. What if I lost it? What if this new happiness wanted to leave my body again?

I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.

Quickly, as if my soul depended on it, I stitched up the wound.

As soon as I felt it creeping its wonderful fingers into my heart, a war started. A war between light and dark, each just as powerful as the other. Darkness had the upper hand, it knew my body in and out. Every space and crack memorized. It slinked itself through the darkest areas of my body and eventually strangled this newly found light. It’s spindly fingers wrapped themselves back around my soul. The light was dead inside me, leaving behind a small remembrance, a memory of the time I was allowed to let it in. The time I was strong enough to believe in it.

Then you came. Your hands thrust themselves into my heart again. You found the shining memory, running your fingers over its warm, smooth surface. You became familiar with the deepest parts of me. The darkness was unable to devour your hands, it tried again and again. It tried snapping at you, it tried pushing your hand away so forcefully it would hit you back in the face. Nonetheless, we persisted on against the demon. We put on our battle suits and reached delicately towards the small light. We took that light, planted it, and cared for it until it could gain it’s strength. We tended over this speck day after day, waiting for something wonderful to happen. Night after night, checking for progress and always coming up empty-handed.

Then it grew. We woke up one morning to the kitchen being taken over by this incredible masterpiece. This light that grew 30 times it’s size. A light that could take on anything if given the chance. Its vines wrapping around the window, waiting for the chance to spread even further. Waiting to be allowed the room to grow and become something even more beautiful and translucent.

We gave it the chance. This light, this happiness, was so overwhelming.

I split it in two.

I gave some to you.

Because we nurtured that happiness ourselves. We brought it back to life. Dirty hands leading us to finally winning the war. Patience. Persistence. More patience.

Now our darknesses are banished inside of us. We will not nurture this beast. We will not tend to it.

But he is still there, sometimes he needs to be fed.

After-all, can you really know happiness if you don’t still own your sadness?

If we didn’t have our darkness, then how could we recognize our happiness?

Would we have won the battle if we didn’t know our enemy?

The Death Wish

“I no longer have a death wish.”

Time flew by so fast I could hear the wind scream through my ears. The wind embodied my inner being, creating a hurricane.

A hurricane of love, the wind of pain, a storm of bad news…but most importantly a hurricane that instead of throwing everything around in whatever way it so pleased, it put everything back into place.

“I no longer drive my car like I am waiting for the world to crash into me.”

“I no longer wake up every morning feeling like all I can see is black and white.”

Do we know how to be happy? People have been through such sadness in their lives and, for most, it is all they know. How do you walk around with sunshine when all you know is the clouds? How to you find the night sky beautiful when you were unable to see the stars for so long? Do the stars exist?

“I can see the stars, they are beautiful. Look at how beautiful they are, sweetheart. Look at how beautiful you are.”

I strive to be everything I can be. I strive to be the best version of myself. I want the world for the people I love.

“The other shoe didn’t drop yet. The other shoe is never going to drop.”

To look back on the many years before, I need all my fingers to count the amount of times I tried to vanish. The amount of times I have tried to slip away into a nothing because I thought something would come from the nothing. I thought the black would open up, the weight would be lifted. I thought by ending the cloud, my lungs would inflate again and I could feel. I hated everything about being alive, even the air seemed poisonous to me. I used to yell at the sky for days asking it why it had to shine? Why do you have to show me the light I could never reach?

“I love my life.”

“Everything is color again”

Black and white. White and black. Nothing. Into the nothing I fell, but a small hand reached out and caught me. It caught me before the world itself could swallow me whole.

“Is that what the sky looks like?”

I found the love of my life this year. I found her just as broken as I was. Peeling ourselves off the floor everyday to restore some type of survivable life. Here’s to 2018, to almost a year with my love, and to the end of another year. I know my worth. I know what I stand for.

This year taught me how to be happy. It taught me how to love myself and melted the cold ice bars I put around myself. It showed me that rain can be beautiful and the cold weather doesn’t matter. It showed me that true and pure love does exist, I just had to stop looking so damn hard.

“Look at the stars with me. Aren’t they beautiful? Can you see them with me? Look closer and you’ll see, look closer and you’ll see every star has your name on it.”

Wicked Poison (Political)

Can we get political? No? Too bad, this is my blog.

There is a poison in the white house. It is slowly infecting the walls on which we built everything in this country. It seeps through the president’s fingers onto everything he touches, every word he speaks. 

Yes. This is President Trump’s fault, but also it is the fault of religion. The evangelicals are taking over this nation in such a sad and negative way. What happened to “Separation of Church AND State?” What happened to the pride of this nation? 

If you can’t separate yourself from your religion to make educated decisions on the entire population in this country, then you have NO right to hold a place in office. 

Have an opinion without following the text written from a possible magical being in the sky. You can trace most political arguments back to religion and, most importantly, Christianity.

Why are the republicans so against abortion? Because the bible tells them so.

Why do they want to slowly strip the rights of anyone within the LGBTQ+ community? Because the bible told them it’s wrong.

Why do they want to cancel Planned Parenthood? Because the bible tells them contraceptives are a sin. 

You think I don’t know the bible and every word written in it? I spent years in the evangelical cult. Years studying the bible. Caught in the cross hairs, unable to find my way around the trip wires to freedom.

You know why I didn’t come out until I moved away from it all? Because I feared my life. I feared the community. I didn’t come out as gay because my entire home town community is extremely religious. Religion puts a lot of fear into a lot of people’s hearts, making them turn cold to a world that turned their back on them.

Have you forgotten about all the passages that talk about love? That talk about community? Do you think Jesus would beat down someone’s will to live just because he disagreed with how they were doing it? Do you think he would tell people coming here for safety and protection to leave? “Yeah, love one another but ONLY if they agree with you and live their life like you” Yeah, what a fucking joke. Did you forget all the preaching about love?

“And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

“Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

“My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action.” (1 John 3:18)

“Be under obligation to no one—the only obligation you have is to love one another. Whoever does this has obeyed the Law.” (Romans 13:8)

If you choose to follow religion, you can’t just pick at the bible, like a chicken pecking at it’s food. You have to embrace the whole idea. Your hate is a sin. Your condemning of people who are unlike you, IS A SIN. You are not spreading love. You are not showing the community love. You are not better than anyone else. You are throwing your bible at their faces and going “Here! Big man in sky hates you and your decisions!” 

I believe there are good christians out there. I believe that there are people who actually love one another and don’t hate. I have met a few religious people who actually follow the word of god with love and kindness. If you want to follow a religion, go for it. It is your life and I am not here to try to tell you that you can’t live it freely. My main point is, don’t let it beat others down. Don’t let the government base monumental decisions off what the bible says. We have freedom of religion for a reason and because we have that, we have separation of church and state FOR A REASON.

No one has to right to tell me who I can marry. No one has the right to tell me what I can do with my own body. 

You want to spread the word of god? Try spreading love first. Try listening to other people first. Try becoming a well-rounded christian who welcomes and accepts people of all nationalities and sexuality. Embrace them instead of hating. 

Your hatred for anyone who is unlike you is bleeding over the skin of everyone in this nation. We are an open wound that someone keeps prying open instead of letting it heal. Welcome people who come here for safety. Welcome your gay neighbor. Welcome your trans sister. Welcome everyone in your hearts and stop hating. 

We need to realize that politics is NO place for religion. There is no reason for it. We are no longer the country people fought for. We are failing. We are drowning and the evangelicals are holding our heads underwater, trying to get us to call “Uncle!” 

Guess what? We won’t. We won’t stop fighting. Even when things are hopeless and there is nothing left to fight for, we will continue to fight. 

Get your “god” out of my senate. Get your “god” out of my house. Get your “god” out of the white house. You think non-believers have an agenda. You seem to have an agenda that spreads hate. That spread violence.

Your god can’t tell me who to love.

Your god can’t tell me what I can and can’t do with my body.

Follow religion all you want, knock yourself out, but leave it to yourself. 

There is a poison in the white house and it’s going to take everyone with it. I hope it takes you down too. You are a traitor to this country. You are betraying everything we were built upon. 

Shame on you.


Come back.

My heart is beating after you. My feet want to track you, run after you.

Don’t leave.

You press your body against mine and everything come alive like it’s for the first time. Every touch from your fingers ignites my every nerve. Like I forgot I had feeling there….like I forgot that part of me existed. I knew my skin could feel love, it must’ve at some point before, but the world filled my pores with its abuse and then laminated it to me. My skin turned black underneath the surface, but your touch electrifies them. Your touch takes away the darkness, the pain. I think the only thing that can truly heal pain, is love and that’s the most beautiful part of being alive. Every part of my body starts to crave it. Every part of me wants your love to spread over its darkness. You are my sunshine. My beautiful ray of sunshine.

Your lips press against mine and the only word my brain can think of is “My beautiful.” Your kiss sends my heart flying, but your touch makes my feet steady on the ground. Your eyes glisten back at me in a mischievous loving way. Like you can’t wait to get into some trouble on an adventure with me.

They don’t want to leave either.

So stay here. Stay a little while longer here with me. 

Don’t leave. 

Falling to Fail

(Depression cloud rant)

Quick! Find your footing.

Everything shakes underneath my feet.

Quick! Find your balance.

Like an unsteady heartbeat.

Jump! You barely made it.

I feel like a failure. A failure to everyone I have ever known. A failure to everyone I will meet. Every crooked, wacky, and painful part. 

I have no wish to die, but my brain is fighting it’s own song. I am so happy to be alive, but my body creaks with each step.

I think what I am the most mad about is how much I have failed myself.

 I destroyed my own body years ago and the damage from it is lasting. I starved every good living cell in my body to the point of destruction

I have this nagging sense that I won’t ever amount to anything. Maybe I won’t. Some people are just built to stand on the sidelines and that’s okay. I guess I just feel mediocre. Where is my purpose? I’ve tried everything in the books and nothing stuck. Nothing interested me, nothing sparked. There is a wire loose in my brain I keep trying to fix with electrical tape, but it gets drowned out by the blood in my ears, so it never sticks. 

It doesn’t help that my hands seem to carry a poison. A poison that gets into cracks of everything they touch. Always failing me, always taking the wrong step.

I love my life. I have nothing to be depressed about. I have nothing to feel like this about, but I do. I love my woman. I just…feel mundane. Boring. And what if others start to think that way too? What then…? I like my life to be boring, I like doing nothing, but I am not anything special and that’s what’s bothering me. I’m so angry at myself. These medical appointments are dragging me down into a dangerous abyss of self hatred. 

After all, how do you fix a soul that’s already been turned so black by the debris around your past? How do you undo the damage? I am happy, but also sad. Sad that I keep messing up. Sad that I can’t do things the same.

I love my life, I am fine. My girlfriend and I are fine. This is me. My own brain…slicing into me with a machete. 

I’ve been trying to find it, but it’s like trying to catch a piece of cotton in the wind.