Wicked Poison (Political)

Can we get political? No? Too bad, this is my blog.

There is a poison in the white house. It is slowly infecting the walls on which we built everything in this country. It seeps through the president’s fingers onto everything he touches, every word he speaks. 

Yes. This is President Trump’s fault, but also it is the fault of religion. The evangelicals are taking over this nation in such a sad and negative way. What happened to “Separation of Church AND State?” What happened to the pride of this nation? 

If you can’t separate yourself from your religion to make educated decisions on the entire population in this country, then you have NO right to hold a place in office. 

Have an opinion without following the text written from a possible magical being in the sky. You can trace most political arguments back to religion and, most importantly, Christianity.

Why are the republicans so against abortion? Because the bible tells them so.

Why do they want to slowly strip the rights of anyone within the LGBTQ+ community? Because the bible told them it’s wrong.

Why do they want to cancel Planned Parenthood? Because the bible tells them contraceptives are a sin. 

You think I don’t know the bible and every word written in it? I spent years in the evangelical cult. Years studying the bible. Caught in the cross hairs, unable to find my way around the trip wires to freedom.

You know why I didn’t come out until I moved away from it all? Because I feared my life. I feared the community. I didn’t come out as gay because my entire home town community is extremely religious. Religion puts a lot of fear into a lot of people’s hearts, making them turn cold to a world that turned their back on them.

Have you forgotten about all the passages that talk about love? That talk about community? Do you think Jesus would beat down someone’s will to live just because he disagreed with how they were doing it? Do you think he would tell people coming here for safety and protection to leave? “Yeah, love one another but ONLY if they agree with you and live their life like you” Yeah, what a fucking joke. Did you forget all the preaching about love?

“And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

“Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

“My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action.” (1 John 3:18)

“Be under obligation to no one—the only obligation you have is to love one another. Whoever does this has obeyed the Law.” (Romans 13:8)

If you choose to follow religion, you can’t just pick at the bible, like a chicken pecking at it’s food. You have to embrace the whole idea. Your hate is a sin. Your condemning of people who are unlike you, IS A SIN. You are not spreading love. You are not showing the community love. You are not better than anyone else. You are throwing your bible at their faces and going “Here! Big man in sky hates you and your decisions!” 

I believe there are good christians out there. I believe that there are people who actually love one another and don’t hate. I have met a few religious people who actually follow the word of god with love and kindness. If you want to follow a religion, go for it. It is your life and I am not here to try to tell you that you can’t live it freely. My main point is, don’t let it beat others down. Don’t let the government base monumental decisions off what the bible says. We have freedom of religion for a reason and because we have that, we have separation of church and state FOR A REASON.

No one has to right to tell me who I can marry. No one has the right to tell me what I can do with my own body. 

You want to spread the word of god? Try spreading love first. Try listening to other people first. Try becoming a well-rounded christian who welcomes and accepts people of all nationalities and sexuality. Embrace them instead of hating. 

Your hatred for anyone who is unlike you is bleeding over the skin of everyone in this nation. We are an open wound that someone keeps prying open instead of letting it heal. Welcome people who come here for safety. Welcome your gay neighbor. Welcome your trans sister. Welcome everyone in your hearts and stop hating. 

We need to realize that politics is NO place for religion. There is no reason for it. We are no longer the country people fought for. We are failing. We are drowning and the evangelicals are holding our heads underwater, trying to get us to call “Uncle!” 

Guess what? We won’t. We won’t stop fighting. Even when things are hopeless and there is nothing left to fight for, we will continue to fight. 

Get your “god” out of my senate. Get your “god” out of my house. Get your “god” out of the white house. You think non-believers have an agenda. You seem to have an agenda that spreads hate. That spread violence.

Your god can’t tell me who to love.

Your god can’t tell me what I can and can’t do with my body.

Follow religion all you want, knock yourself out, but leave it to yourself. 

There is a poison in the white house and it’s going to take everyone with it. I hope it takes you down too. You are a traitor to this country. You are betraying everything we were built upon. 

Shame on you.

Aftermath of Rape/Assault Trauma

I went for a night run today as I always loved to do.  I went to try to feel attached to everything again. Within the trees and the leaves, feeling the cement underneath my feet, cold air blowing across my face until I can’t feel it, the wind flowing through my every being until the feeling of being alive hit me. I wanted to breathe again with certainty of knowing that the next day will come again better than the last. I went to find myself again. With the craziness around me and my bipolar disorder just becoming even worse, I needed this outlet. But guess what? None of that came to me.

Here is where trauma comes to wreck everything about me. If you have kept updated with my blog, you will know I have endured many counts of sexual abuse. Most of these incidents happened by being surprised and/or jumped. So night running? I thought I could forget about everything and not fear the nighttime anymore. I couldn’t. My anxiety got the best of me. All the what ifs floated around in my head. Every noise around me was amplified even though I had headphones in. I was on full alert. Somebody got out their car and was casually walking back to their dorm and I thought they were coming for me. Coming to harm me once again like other guys have. To take away my dignity and confidence. To steal everything from my very being and destroy my ability to function. I sprinted all the way back and had a complete panic attack. This is the truth about rape trauma. This is the truth about sexual assault. This is the truth about having my innocence taken on multiple counts. This is my truth.

I search for being wanted by getting with many guys. You can call me a slut or a whore. But that’s the way it is. You mix the numbness of bipolar disorder with the trauma in my life, you get outward coping. Sex for me is a way to feel something again. Sex is something I do because I want to feel close to something. I find short term comfort within older guys. I know I have made mistakes with my body and myself.

The problem is, is that many people see me as strong because I don’t show how much each time someone touches me without my permission bothers me. Or how when any guy is around me, I am thinking in the back of my head all the ways he could hurt me. Its a mental thing as well as physical. I haven’t reported any of the counts against me. I haven’t even thought about it. What are the police going to do? I didn’t know most of them. The others were counts against me from past boyfriends. I don’t deal. I push it down deep within myself. I don’t face it. This is how I cope.

This is my truth. This is the truth. This is the aftermath of sexual trauma. This is my life. My everyday. My thoughts. My struggles. My everything. You wanted to know about how a sexual assault victim feels? You want to know why we don’t reach out?  Many of us feel it’s our fault. Many of us can’t even fathom telling anyone, to reach back within the deep corners of our very being and tear away the walls that have been holding everything back. Sexual assault isn’t a joke. Rape isn’t a joke. Mental illness isn’t joke. None of it is a joke. None of it should ever be taken lightly. You don’t make this up. You don’t lie about the details. You don’t want this.

This is the truth.