The Death Wish

“I no longer have a death wish.”

Time flew by so fast I could hear the wind scream through my ears. The wind embodied my inner being, creating a hurricane.

A hurricane of love, the wind of pain, a storm of bad news…but most importantly a hurricane that instead of throwing everything around in whatever way it so pleased, it put everything back into place.

“I no longer drive my car like I am waiting for the world to crash into me.”

“I no longer wake up every morning feeling like all I can see is black and white.”

Do we know how to be happy? People have been through such sadness in their lives and, for most, it is all they know. How do you walk around with sunshine when all you know is the clouds? How to you find the night sky beautiful when you were unable to see the stars for so long? Do the stars exist?

“I can see the stars, they are beautiful. Look at how beautiful they are, sweetheart. Look at how beautiful you are.”

I strive to be everything I can be. I strive to be the best version of myself. I want the world for the people I love.

“The other shoe didn’t drop yet. The other shoe is never going to drop.”

To look back on the many years before, I need all my fingers to count the amount of times I tried to vanish. The amount of times I have tried to slip away into a nothing because I thought something would come from the nothing. I thought the black would open up, the weight would be lifted. I thought by ending the cloud, my lungs would inflate again and I could feel. I hated everything about being alive, even the air seemed poisonous to me. I used to yell at the sky for days asking it why it had to shine? Why do you have to show me the light I could never reach?

“I love my life.”

“Everything is color again”

Black and white. White and black. Nothing. Into the nothing I fell, but a small hand reached out and caught me. It caught me before the world itself could swallow me whole.

“Is that what the sky looks like?”

I found the love of my life this year. I found her just as broken as I was. Peeling ourselves off the floor everyday to restore some type of survivable life. Here’s to 2018, to almost a year with my love, and to the end of another year. I know my worth. I know what I stand for.

This year taught me how to be happy. It taught me how to love myself and melted the cold ice bars I put around myself. It showed me that rain can be beautiful and the cold weather doesn’t matter. It showed me that true and pure love does exist, I just had to stop looking so damn hard.

“Look at the stars with me. Aren’t they beautiful? Can you see them with me? Look closer and you’ll see, look closer and you’ll see every star has your name on it.”